The Cinema Verite of Porn

by classyadmin on December 1, 2009

The other day my friend was telling me about this awesome porno that he had seen. The description that followed was a porno from Germany where a male stripper started dancing in front of a group of mature german women. Once the man started to strip the women could no longer control themselves and started to give the man fellatio and numerous sex acts followed. Sounds like a pretty good one I said. Yeah especially because it is real he responded.
This is where I started to have a problem. Sure it could have been an awesome porno, but no way was it real. “I’m telling you man shit was real”. This is why I felt the need for this essay, with the recession people are looking to anything for hope including their pornography. This is how to tell if a porno is real or real fake.
First post is for the ladies or gay males. If a man is all by himself and indulging in pornographic images and you have even a hint that it is real. It definitely is. Unfortunately in the sexist society that we live in everyday men don’t get paid to take advantage of themselves. There is simply too many men who will do it for free and not enough women or gay males for consumers.
Second. There is the issue of lighting. A lot of people who have experience with film know that you can’t just point a camera at stuff and come off looking like Roger “The Freakin’ ” Deakins. So if the lighting doesn’t look crappy as hell somebody is getting paid.
Third. Editing. Editing in real amateur porn consists of a man putting a camera on the dresser than at some point he’ll grab the camera with no cut and go POV close up on his cock. This is like the amateur porn dolly shot. If it is real amateur porn the chances are that he never studied Eisenstein and could give a fuck about mis en scene. So if the movie you are watching has more cuts than a John Woo double pistol action epic: It’s fake.
Fourth. Dialogue. Sure porn dialogue is bad. But wannabe fake porn dialogue is even worse. Real porn dialogue makes no excuses about how cheesy it is, but if you are trying to make a real fake porn you gotta step your game up. Case in point, in a lot of these movies the chick will look dead at the camera and say like 5 times You better not show this to anyone. The only surprise is that the chick doesn’t wink after she says it. I mean she’s basically talking at you like Zach Morris where he would call time out in the middle of Saved By the Bell and talk about how Slater shouldn’t be getting Kapowski just because he has a car.
Fifth. The music. Porn and crappy music go hand in hand like a hand in a hand. You’ll never hear good or contemporary music in a porno cause well that stuff costs money and the people who make pornos probably to your amazement have never heard of Grizzly Bear or Tegan and Sara. This is why if you hear real music in an amateur porno this shit is almost 100 percent real. A lot of time the dudes shooting a real homemade porno will often just turn on the radio and you will hear commercials and everything.

My favorite soundtrack moment of a homemade porn was a lady was involved in a multi-ethnic threesome and while getting double teamed Rod Stewarts Forever Young came on.

So may you never look for fake amateur porn in vain and in my heart you’ll always remain.

Forever Young.

-Mike F.

The other day my friend was telling me about this awesome porno that he had seen. The description that followed was a porno from Germany where a male stripper started dancing in front of a group of mature german women. Once the man started to strip the women could no longer control themselves and started to give the man fellatio and numerous sex acts followed. Sounds like a pretty good one I said. Yeah especially because it is real he responded.This is where I started to have a problem. Sure it could have been an awesome porno, but no way was it real. “I’m telling you man shit was real”. This is why I felt the need for this essay, with the recession people are looking to anything for hope including their pornography. This is how to tell if a porno is real or real fake.First post is for the ladies or gay males. If a man is all by himself and indulging in pornographic images and you have even a hint that it is real. It definitely is. Unfortunately in the sexist society that we live in everyday men don’t get paid to take advantage of themselves. There is simply too many men who will do it for free and not enough women or gay males for consumers.Second. There is the issue of lighting. A lot of people who have experience with film know that you can’t just point a camera at stuff and come off looking like Roger “The Freakin’ ” Deakins. So if the lighting doesn’t look crappy as hell somebody is getting paid.Third. Editing. Editing in real amateur porn consists of a man putting a camera on the dresser than at some point he’ll grab the camera with no cut and go POV close up on his cock. This is like the amateur porn dolly shot. If it is real amateur porn the chances are that he never studied Eisenstein and could give a fuck about mis en scene. So if the movie you are watching has more cuts than a John Woo double pistol action epic: It’s fake.Fourth. Dialogue. Sure porn dialogue is bad. But wannabe fake porn dialogue is even worse. Real porn dialogue makes no excuses about how cheesy it is, but if you are trying to make a real fake porn you gotta step your game up. Case in point, in a lot of these movies the chick will look dead at the camera and say like 5 times You better not show this to anyone. The only surprise is that the chick doesn’t wink after she says it. I mean she’s basically talking at you like Zach Morris where he would call time out in the middle of Saved By the Bell and talk about how Slater shouldn’t be getting Kapowski just because he has a car.Fifth. The music. Porn and crappy music go hand in hand like a hand in a hand. You’ll never hear good or contemporary music in a porno cause well that stuff costs money and the people who make pornos probably to your amazement have never heard of Grizzly Bear or Tegan and Sara. This is why if you hear real music in an amateur porno this shit is almost 100 percent real. A lot of time the dudes shooting a real homemade porno will often just turn on the radio and you will hear commercials and everything.

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